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first campaigner challenge

This one is called: Almost there


 The door swung open and I hesitated, imagining being scissored between it and the metal wall. In that moment the desperate thousands at my back surged forward.

Pushed into the crowded wedge I barely had time before the airlock closed. My ears popped as we rotated into the docking yard. Almost there. I thought, smiling.


The ship was huge but the hangar was bigger; a cavern of steal and chrome and spun diamond. Hundreds of other hopefuls were already rushing towards the access ramps and I ran with them -- forgetting to keep hold of my cloak.


There was a shout. An instant later a police tendril found me, wrapping about my waist and digging into my flesh.

'Illegal mutation,' the mechanical voice screeched above the sudden screams.


The robe that had hidden my scales fell from my face as I was lifted above the crowd. I could see the ship clearly now; sleek as a sparrow with a beak twice as sharp, pointed into space.


The tendril placed me back into the airlock, almost gently. The last thing I saw through the open hangar bay, was the broken moon beyond, falling slowly to earth.


Then the door swung shut.



--
About me.
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Comments

  1. Alleged AuthorSeptember 6, 2011 at 10:42 AM

    The police have tendrils? YIKES! I promise to never do anything bad again.

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  2. AnonymousSeptember 6, 2011 at 10:49 AM

    I love the tendrils!

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  3. Jessica LoveSeptember 6, 2011 at 11:42 AM

    I was totally going to comment on the tendrils, too!

    Great job!

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  4. UnknownSeptember 6, 2011 at 11:46 AM

    Very cool!

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  5. Patricia T.September 6, 2011 at 12:06 PM

    Liked the tension. Great job!

    Patricia T.

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  6. Aldrea AlienSeptember 6, 2011 at 12:18 PM

    You had me at tendrils ... heck, you kept me with scales.

    I really don't want to think about that moon though. That's one mother of a disturbance coming up. O_O Who the heck broke the moon anyhow?

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  7. Lisa ReganSeptember 6, 2011 at 1:22 PM

    Holy crap. You are in a league all your own. That was amazing.

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  8. T.B McKenzieSeptember 6, 2011 at 3:28 PM

    Thanks all! Had a bit of trouble keeping it to the 200 word limit, but 'twas fun too. Sometimes a rigid structure is just what my muse needs.

    Alleged, i'm pretty sure the tendril cares less about your crimes and more about that secret tail of yours.

    Patricia, is that the tension in the story or the tendril?

    And sorry Aldrea, I have as much idea as you as to who broke the moon. Probably those damn mutants.

    Lisa, your flattery will get you everywhere.

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  9. JenSeptember 6, 2011 at 3:41 PM

    LOL! I was going to talk about the tendrils, too! I really liked this, particularly the image of the broken moon at the end,

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  10. Sarah TokeleySeptember 6, 2011 at 4:25 PM

    Just goes to show, a sad story touches you no matter what species the protagonist is.

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  11. Enid WilsonSeptember 6, 2011 at 10:01 PM

    scale, tendril and broken moon, interesting.

    Every Savage Can Reproduce

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  12. Alynza SmithSeptember 6, 2011 at 11:32 PM

    Lots of cool images. I loved it and want to read more. Great job!

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  13. CrystalSeptember 7, 2011 at 12:00 AM

    Nooooo, the MC got caught!! Awww... Lesson for today, kids? Always keep hold of your cloak! Also, the MC getting pushed by the crowd through the door reminds me of the subway, just how the crowd can sometimes push you on board or off! Lol...

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  14. Coleen PatrickSeptember 7, 2011 at 4:29 AM

    Hi! Illegal mutation--that scared me! Great job, especially loved the line about the broken moon.

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  15. julie feddersonSeptember 7, 2011 at 5:21 AM

    So if this is about an illegal mutation--are there legal ones? Love the little snippet of world you've created. And I agree with the masses--police tendrils are awesome.

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  16. bridgetstraub.comSeptember 7, 2011 at 6:34 AM

    I was surprised by the scales. I did not see that coming. Mine is #72

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  17. AnonymousSeptember 7, 2011 at 9:48 AM

    very cool concept... love the idea... nice writing too:)

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  18. The WriterSeptember 7, 2011 at 12:28 PM

    There was some crazy imagery for so little words! Bravo!

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  19. J.R. WilliamsSeptember 8, 2011 at 2:51 AM

    Awesome entry. Very scary!

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  20. 1000th.monkeySeptember 8, 2011 at 3:50 AM

    I like how you foreshadowed the ending (of him not making it on) in your very first line :)

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  21. Katharina GerlachSeptember 8, 2011 at 5:14 AM

    Sad, sad story, but lovely nontheless. I like it a lot. If you want to check mine, it's #186.

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  22. AnonymousSeptember 8, 2011 at 6:16 AM

    That was seriously amazing. And the last line where the broken moon was falling is great. Very well written.

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  23. Alica McKenna JohnsonSeptember 9, 2011 at 4:02 AM

    Very creepy

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  24. Avery MarshSeptember 9, 2011 at 4:51 AM

    Fantastic. You crammed so much awesome into such a small space, and still I want more. You, my friend, are getting a like. *thumbs up*

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  25. AnonymousSeptember 10, 2011 at 3:17 AM

    That's awesome! I love the feeling of this one - the panic, the hope. So good.

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  26. Deniz BevanSeptember 10, 2011 at 10:32 AM

    Ooh, very evocative!

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  27. TL ConwaySeptember 11, 2011 at 2:09 PM

    Gah! Everyone else already commented on the police 'tendrils' but really, that was such a wonderful visual! You did a great job of packing a lot of description and emotion into only 200 words. Excellent job!

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  28. AnonymousSeptember 12, 2011 at 6:49 AM

    Thanks for sharing this piece. I was intrigued by the mention of the police tendrils too, but also felt bad for the poor mutant who doesn't get to go on board the ship.

    Welcome to the campaign! I'm in your MG/YA campaigner group, so I look forward to meeting again down the campaign trail.

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  29. Margo KellySeptember 14, 2011 at 12:26 AM

    I really enjoyed this! Especially the police tendrils! AWESOME. :-)

    I'm a new follower from the campaign. Nice to meet you.

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  30. C.M. CiprianiSeptember 14, 2011 at 8:10 AM

    I enjoyed this a lot. I wish I could know more!

    Fellow Campaigner my story is #165

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  31. J.L. CampbellSeptember 14, 2011 at 11:27 AM

    Your flash was certainly different. Scary concept, that police tendril.

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  32. Katie DodgeSeptember 14, 2011 at 2:52 PM

    I'm doing the slow clap for you. Awesome job! I loved it! Now I'm off to "like" it. :)

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  33. DoreenSeptember 14, 2011 at 4:41 PM

    I am so liking this one great job!

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  34. UnknownSeptember 15, 2011 at 11:16 PM

    Okay, you had me at, "In that moment the desperate thousands at my back surged forward." Setting a tone of needful desperation! Then you clutched my attention with "mutation" and "tendril" and "scales". Wonderfully crafted!

    Thanks for announcing my "prize" over at cfitewrite w/ my flash fiction. :))

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  35. Rebecca EminSeptember 16, 2011 at 5:21 AM

    What a brilliant story, you fitted a lot into so few words. So many great descriptions. Love it.

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  36. AnonymousSeptember 19, 2011 at 10:13 PM

    Excellent read, but a little sad too: You can really feel the hope he felt being ripped away from him.

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