first campaigner challenge

This one is called: Almost there


 The door swung open and I hesitated, imagining being scissored between it and the metal wall. In that moment the desperate thousands at my back surged forward.

Pushed into the crowded wedge I barely had time before the airlock closed. My ears popped as we rotated into the docking yard. Almost there. I thought, smiling.


The ship was huge but the hangar was bigger; a cavern of steal and chrome and spun diamond. Hundreds of other hopefuls were already rushing towards the access ramps and I ran with them -- forgetting to keep hold of my cloak.


There was a shout. An instant later a police tendril found me, wrapping about my waist and digging into my flesh.

'Illegal mutation,' the mechanical voice screeched above the sudden screams.


The robe that had hidden my scales fell from my face as I was lifted above the crowd. I could see the ship clearly now; sleek as a sparrow with a beak twice as sharp, pointed into space.


The tendril placed me back into the airlock, almost gently. The last thing I saw through the open hangar bay, was the broken moon beyond, falling slowly to earth.


Then the door swung shut.



--
About me.

Comments

  1. The police have tendrils? YIKES! I promise to never do anything bad again.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I was totally going to comment on the tendrils, too!

    Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Liked the tension. Great job!

    Patricia T.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You had me at tendrils ... heck, you kept me with scales.

    I really don't want to think about that moon though. That's one mother of a disturbance coming up. O_O Who the heck broke the moon anyhow?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Holy crap. You are in a league all your own. That was amazing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thanks all! Had a bit of trouble keeping it to the 200 word limit, but 'twas fun too. Sometimes a rigid structure is just what my muse needs.

    Alleged, i'm pretty sure the tendril cares less about your crimes and more about that secret tail of yours.

    Patricia, is that the tension in the story or the tendril?

    And sorry Aldrea, I have as much idea as you as to who broke the moon. Probably those damn mutants.

    Lisa, your flattery will get you everywhere.

    ReplyDelete
  7. LOL! I was going to talk about the tendrils, too! I really liked this, particularly the image of the broken moon at the end,

    ReplyDelete
  8. Just goes to show, a sad story touches you no matter what species the protagonist is.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lots of cool images. I loved it and want to read more. Great job!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Nooooo, the MC got caught!! Awww... Lesson for today, kids? Always keep hold of your cloak! Also, the MC getting pushed by the crowd through the door reminds me of the subway, just how the crowd can sometimes push you on board or off! Lol...

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi! Illegal mutation--that scared me! Great job, especially loved the line about the broken moon.

    ReplyDelete
  12. So if this is about an illegal mutation--are there legal ones? Love the little snippet of world you've created. And I agree with the masses--police tendrils are awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I was surprised by the scales. I did not see that coming. Mine is #72

    ReplyDelete
  14. very cool concept... love the idea... nice writing too:)

    ReplyDelete
  15. There was some crazy imagery for so little words! Bravo!

    ReplyDelete
  16. I like how you foreshadowed the ending (of him not making it on) in your very first line :)

    ReplyDelete
  17. Sad, sad story, but lovely nontheless. I like it a lot. If you want to check mine, it's #186.

    ReplyDelete
  18. That was seriously amazing. And the last line where the broken moon was falling is great. Very well written.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Fantastic. You crammed so much awesome into such a small space, and still I want more. You, my friend, are getting a like. *thumbs up*

    ReplyDelete
  20. That's awesome! I love the feeling of this one - the panic, the hope. So good.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Gah! Everyone else already commented on the police 'tendrils' but really, that was such a wonderful visual! You did a great job of packing a lot of description and emotion into only 200 words. Excellent job!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Thanks for sharing this piece. I was intrigued by the mention of the police tendrils too, but also felt bad for the poor mutant who doesn't get to go on board the ship.

    Welcome to the campaign! I'm in your MG/YA campaigner group, so I look forward to meeting again down the campaign trail.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I really enjoyed this! Especially the police tendrils! AWESOME. :-)

    I'm a new follower from the campaign. Nice to meet you.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I enjoyed this a lot. I wish I could know more!

    Fellow Campaigner my story is #165

    ReplyDelete
  25. Your flash was certainly different. Scary concept, that police tendril.

    ReplyDelete
  26. I'm doing the slow clap for you. Awesome job! I loved it! Now I'm off to "like" it. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. I am so liking this one great job!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Okay, you had me at, "In that moment the desperate thousands at my back surged forward." Setting a tone of needful desperation! Then you clutched my attention with "mutation" and "tendril" and "scales". Wonderfully crafted!

    Thanks for announcing my "prize" over at cfitewrite w/ my flash fiction. :))

    ReplyDelete
  29. What a brilliant story, you fitted a lot into so few words. So many great descriptions. Love it.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Excellent read, but a little sad too: You can really feel the hope he felt being ripped away from him.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular Posts